


‘Till I Collapse

by OnlySkyAboveMe



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M, Poetry, Post olympics, Reflection, tessa’s pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 02:58:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16568318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlySkyAboveMe/pseuds/OnlySkyAboveMe
Summary: Tessa’s post-Olympic reflections





	‘Till I Collapse

2010

Pain  
In my legs mostly, though my soul is elated  
Six hours a day with the PT – her hands will need therapy too  
He runs around, living his best life, future commitments momentarily forgotten  
We agreed to worlds, though my legs scream to ask me why.

Why  
Pain is temporary, and glory is forever  
I know both of these statements are false.

Proof  
That we deserve these medals hanging from our necks; that we belong here  
All my body deserves is rest.

Preparation  
Like shovelling coal into a train's engine as it plunges into a canyon  
Repeating the action as you have been programmed to do  
A futile attempt to halt – or a valiant effort to hasten – the inevitable  
Except this too ends in victory.

Smile  
Shows and celebrations, his looming 'guidance' like a black spot in my periphery  
I want to run, I want to hide, I don't want to be on show anymore.

Stop  
My legs cry out as drills begin, as creation resumes  
Russians yell in cold rinks, our music bouncing off every hard surface  
Reverberating back into our bones and muscles that beg for respite  
Cracking tempers and resolve, pushing us to our limit anew.

Compete  
Smile through the pain, through the pressure of gold  
Now a lead weight that chokes me as it hangs from my neck every day.

Surgery  
Blades in hands, not tied to feet  
Blessed relief from it all; the perfect excuse for my brain to stop too  
His hand is in mine when I wake  
Our rink becomes our solitude, and our place of rebirth.

 

2014  
Pride  
Though it feels unfathomably different  
In the melee and the back and forth we were eventually shoved to the side  
Thus our victory is different too; a personal success in the face of all this mess  
But these words are emptier than my heart.

Shows  
We keep it light, we keep it us  
But try as we might our pain hangs over us like a dark cloud.

Alone  
I’m in homely surroundings but do not feel the comfort  
His ever-presence cut away like my muscle casings  
Only angry scars remain, and I fear time will never heal them  
Emptiness is my Achilles' heel, just as the bourbon bottle is his.

Yes  
To anything, to everything  
I scream it on dotted lines, on cover pages, in the things I do and the things I help to sell.

Opportunities  
To be something else, to be someone else  
But I do not know who I am outside of us  
I cannot tell him this, though; our friendship strained like that muscle in his neck  
So, I catapult myself forwards – wherever that goes – whatever the cost.

 

2018  
Elation  
Unfathomable joy exceeded only by overwhelming pride  
In us, all of us; every single stakeholder in this battle  
For it was a battle - cleverly masked by stage make-up and unwavering smiles  
Our victory has cost so much, and that pressure weighs heavy.

Questions  
Oh so many of them  
Battle lines redrawn, words re-phrased, new smiles etched.

Celebration  
We sing, we dance, we party, we sleep  
He screams at the Ref and I'm loud online.

Finale  
We don red and black once more and say farewell  
We allow Gord to speak our sentiments for us, my voice a casualty of these games.

Exhaustion  
Hits me with the force of the Rolls Royce engines attached to this aeroplane  
The noise of which fall on deaf ears as my body succumbs to unconsciousness.

Recuperation  
I feel as though I have been pulled, half-dead from the Icarian Sea  
I lose days, and when I awake I momentarily feel distressingly empty  
But I don't lose myself this time, and he finds solace in happiness instead  
It's contagious (much like my flu) and it consumes me similarly.

Work  
I say yes with the same fervour as before  
Though the thought behind each affirmation now demonstrates my maturity.

Shows  
A never-ending cavalcade of buses, trains, planes and hotel rooms  
Life packed into too many suitcases for far too long  
The call of home taunts me in the distance  
The itch to live irritates like mosquito bites on sun burnt skin.

Vultures  
Watching, scrutinising, gossiping - picking at the mangled, diseased flesh of our lives  
But, isn't this what I signed up for, isn't this what I wanted, deep down?  
He responds with silence, I with curation; building up battlements higher than I thought possible  
Waiting for the storm to stop rattling the window and threatening to break in.

Gratitude  
An off-the-cuff mind-worm becomes a full-bodied creative adventure  
More than I could have dreamed and, often, more than we can really handle  
But I have found my joy once again, and I know it comes from love  
We shine and we glide and we dance and we perform, and my hand rarely leaves his.

Winter  
The season that started this whirlwind has found us again  
Blows in like an Arctic snowstorm; overwhelming despite the forecast and the warnings  
But in the eye of the storm lies the prospect of peace, if only for a moment  
Fuzzy socks and ornaments on the mantle, roaring fires and hot chocolate.

Peace  
I'm unsure of my feelings as the year leaves us  
But relief and excitement are prominent  
Calendar pages turn anew as champagne flutes clink the world over  
Yet I am oblivious as I slumber, wrapped in his warm embrace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I write poetry now? On the bus. By hand.


End file.
